24 Apr 2008

April 1st, 2008, was the date of a momentous and thoroughly unique occasion in human history. Though various bureaucrats in the halls of Hell would later come to regret the choice of date, due to many confusions regarding the veracity of their interoffice memo (for to their mind, the whole world constituted their place of work), the coincidence has, in retrospect, only added to the drama of the occasion.
The missive was unique for many reasons, not least of which was the fact that it marked the first day on which every human being on the planet received at least one piece of mail, whether physical or electronic (excepting, of course, spam emails, another innovation of Hell). Every human being, of every age, received the cream colored envelope, from the tiniest bouncing baby boy to the most grizzled of street-living crack fiends (another innovation, as each address-less person still happened upon a letter addressed to him- or herself, either at the bottom of a rubbish bin or atop a miraculously unopened and abandoned forty of Old E) Рevery individual noted with an excess of surprise the carefully hand-lettered script inscribed in a rusty ink (in a spidery hand that somehow transformed even the utter banality of a P.O. Box number into a numerological key to unfathomable cosmic truths) and the thick, waxy seal embossed on the back (the curious contours of which evoked thoughts of hellfire and fleshless craniums in some and the heartbreakingly innocent visage of a boy of thirteen in others) Рand we must note here that even those receiving emails, most of whom were office workers unlikely to be home at the appointed hour, had this same visceral experience Рevery individual noted the curiously dry, almost leathery, texture of the paper Рand many, no doubt, felt that strange transport often inspired by the receipt of personal mail, that feeling that somewhere out there, someone gave a damn Рand not one individual happened to toss said missive immediately into the nearest ashcan or recycling bin, for though it had all the hallmarks of those unpleasant bits of business one receives from persons unknown yet obviously sinister that usually inspires in human beings the utmost disregard, each felt it imponderably vital that this communiqu̩ be opened and perused immediately.
The message, whether conveyed in English, Aramaic, Cantonese, Braille, Esperanto, Swahili, Quebecois, etc., read exactly as follows (excepting unavoidable affects of semiotics):

Dear Human (presently being),

We write this day to regretfully announce that, effective this date, April 1st, 2008 C.E., Hell is no longer able to accept further admissions of human souls.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Lucifer Asmodeus Ba’al Zebub Aloiscius Samael Deis Trismegastus

P.S. Look, it’s not as if we want to. Simply put, the dimensions of Hell, once thought to be as constantly expanding as you human beings have only just noticed your universe to be, have been pushed to the breaking point by your incessant, bunny-like breeding. Not to mention your patent refusal – and bravo, my pets, bravo – to kneel to that ridiculous autodidact up in the sky. The fact is that many of the most deserving of my citizens are having to do without their proper dose of punishment, and that reality truly pains me. I myself have had to forgo the pleasures of a pitchfork in the rectum for more than a couple of days, enduring instead the tedium of a Tahitian vacation (and believe me, it’s the second most boring thing in existence, right after the Hosanna choir up in Empyrean).
I realize that this must be disappointing in the extreme, and I am truly sorry to the huge numbers of individuals whose apparent lifelong dream it was to meet one or another of my luminaries – Hitler, Stalin, Torquemada, the Divine Marquis, etc. (I was about to add Mao but I’ve just remembered he never showed). It’s a pisser, I know.
One unforeseen consequence of our (hopefully) temporary closure has been the Big Guy’s (or Gal’s – It has never been to clear on that score) response. He has been quite obdurate in his refusal to open his doors to any of what he deems ‘undeserving’ souls (infinite mercy my infernal rectum). The unfortunate, but obviously inescapable (given the recent foreclosure of Purgatory), result of this is that many of you will, to be blunt, not be dying any time soon.
I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, and can only offer my warmest congratulations on the fortunate extension of your opportunity to revel in whatever pleasures your life on earth may afford you.
Ta!

Signed again,
Lucifer Asmodeus Ba’al Zebub Aloiscius Samael Deis Trismegastus

4 comments:

TICTAC said...

prophetic, apotheosic, science fiction piece...great writing!

cocaine jesus said...

the only question that i have is why haven't you been published yet?

Robert said...

i believe he has, CJ :D

fantastic piece, John!

fissuresofmen said...

thanks all!

indeed, my verbal diarrhea has found its way to several electric locales.

not much in print yet tho...