13 Jan 2008

Autobiography 1

Yes, these breasts were grown in a vat, as a matter of fact. They explode at my command, and that's all that really matters, isn't it?

My injuries always make the news, the contents of my head are transmitted to the masses subliminally, via surreptitious adjustments to the inner workings of their I-pods. Just ask the ghost of Sidney Poitier, if you don't believe me. We look for tiny variations in the sound of one hand clapping together every Sunday night in my apartment's largest closet. So we're pretty tight, and he can vouch for the good quality of my character.

Last week, I was declared legally sexy, so I tend to watch what I say in certain company, and I never--and I mean never--have shoulder surgery after midnight. The whole thing gets me better prices on sliced ham, though. My local butcher just loves to lick the soles of my feet. Plus, he looks just like a handful of Rastafarian monks wriggling around in my palm and listening to King Tubby at synapse-shredding volumes.

Could be love, as far as I'm concerned, although it's probably all cheap and tawdry for him. The bastard...

The alphabet torments me in my sleep. It waits until I'm on the cusp of dreaming, then it whispers all manner of insults into my ear. When I wake up, it's usually still standing beside my bed, laughing maniacally and pointing at my morning erection (which I've always felt was quite impressive, despite the especially vicious tauntings from F, Q and W).

I once matched luggage for the entire New York Jets football team, using nothing but the power of my arched eyebrows.

The small fines I habitually incur for eating my breakfast while discussing the important subjects of the day from the subway tracks make me feel so langorous work is usually a complete and total write-off. Sometimes, though, if I'm lucky I can muster the strength to love and dream.


murmurists said...

very nice. great opening, too

Robert said...

something a little different from me

was bored at work, so i thought id try my hand at a more absurdist style

Robert said...

and thanks murmurists

i can be terribly self-absorbed sometimes/all the time :D

cocaine jesus said...

exploding breats? i want some. i enjoyed this change of style. very ivor cutleresque.

Robert said...


CJ, you so CWAZY! :D